Monday, October 6, 2008

Even Less Impressive In Person

Unholy f***er of mothers! The Lions were awful.

The Bears fans were nearly as numerous as Lions fans, much more vocal, and were way more likely to stay to the end of the game (4 to 1 margin, at least). Out of a masochistic sense of duty, I stayed to watch every last impotent gasp of failure and sub-mediocrity that the Lions put forth until the clock ticked to 0:00.

This is a team that isn't afraid to be a laughingstock. They are as far beyond laughingstock as a quasar is beyond an off-brand AAA battery. They have reached the point where Schadenfreude turns off, irony cannot insulate your senses, and we as a species of humans have to stop, take stock, and feel humbled, confused, and ashamed that this sad example of institutional failure and stupidity has somehow oozed its sorry way to a playing field from among our number (Similar to any enterprise headed by an MBA). They are going through the motions of playing professional football, but are already mentally, morally, and emotionally checked out.

Beating this team in football is like beating up a mentally handicapped, blind, quadriplegic,... pacifist... with very advanced osteoporosis. I'm not sure how an opposing team can derive any sort of enjoyment from the process. If I were a Bears player after the game yesterday, instead feeling triumphant, I would feel dirty. Dirty, ashamed, and a little sick to my stomach that my job forced me to come into such close, nearly intimate, personal contact with this sad bunch of contemptible cowards who dare to claim the moniker of "professional" athlete. I might consider demanding a written apology from the team for the very direct insult that the Lions' level of play represents to them and to the rest of the league (and to the idea of professional, spectator sports in general).

My favorite moment of the game was, after managing to grab a turnover down near the goal-line, the Lions did score a touchdown making the score 31-7. The Lions players on the field celebrated like they just won the game, and they actually had the gall to have some guy come on the P.A. and sing their ridiculous "fight song" which, I kid you not, goes like this:
Lyrics to Gridiron Heroes
(The Victory Song of the Detroit Lions)

Hail the colors Blue and Silver let them wave.
Sing their song and cheer the Gridiron Heroes brave,
Fighting for fame, winning the game,
Dashing to victory as they go.

Forward down the field,
A charging team that will not yield.
And when the Blue and Silver wave,
Stand and cheer the brave.
Rah, Rah, Rah.
Go hard, win the game.
With honor you will keep your fame.
Down the field and gain,
A Lion victory!
(Source: Lions Website)

I laughed till I hurt.

1 comment:

ish said...

I was hoping the departure of the General Mangler and President of Football Inoculations (may his name live in shame for all time) might have spurred to team to win one game this year. But no. I would happily predict that this team will go 0-16 for the first time in the history of the game, but they are so bad they can't even get a record for being bad. They will accidentally win a game somewhere around week 13, when the team thay are playing gives up 10 turnovers and has its entire team plagued by and advanced case of Ebola. Still 2-14 would be nice bookends to the "M***** Era".

Yeah the fight song is one of those things you don't know about until you go to a game in person (and unfortunate act I have also endured). It should rightfully be replaced by the theme to MASH.

As discussed earlier here or on Lenny's blog, I have found my team for this year: Buffalo, a great rustbelt team that is doing great things this year. Of course, immediately after I decide this, they lose to Arizona. Fuck, the Lions curse has spread to anything I look at.